


Blue with Lube AKA Tony, stop poking that!

by cinder1013



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alien Goo, Alive Phil Coulson, Eggpreg, Exasperated Steve, Gen, M/M, Minor Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, Mpreg, This is supposed to be funny, Tony poking things, not sexy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 15:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18694441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinder1013/pseuds/cinder1013
Summary: Tony just has to poke the glowy, blue alien blob thing.





	Blue with Lube AKA Tony, stop poking that!

“Is there a reason why I’m covered in this?” 

“Tony, will you please stop poking the blue, glowy blob that we don’t know what it is?” Steve asked, exasperated. Clint stood beside him, blue, glowy gunk dripping from his chest and arms. Tony’s most recent poke at it had pierced the outer membrane and subsequently it squirted out blue stuff all over Clint. 

Tony poked it again anyway, tapping at it with the end a pencil. “But, what is it?” 

Clint rubbed his coated fingers together. “Lube.” 

“It is? It’s alien lube?” Tony turned and poked at Clint’s hand with the pencil now. “It’s so thick. We could make trick arrows out of this.”

“Tony, no.”

“You have great aim,” he told Clint.

Clint tried to keep a straight face, but he couldn’t. “You want me to ... to shoot ... people up the ass with alien lube?” 

“Yes?” Tony raised an eyebrow. “It doesn’t sound right when you say it like that.” 

“How do you say it where it sounds right?” Steve asked, exasperated as usual. 

“We’ll call it a distance lube applicator, or dial. Dial a friend. Catchy, right?” 

Clint was laughing so hard at this point, that he staggered over to the sofa and collapsed on it in helpless giggles. 

“Tony, no.” Steve said again, helpless. “Just no.” 

“Right, then you can control it with your Stark Phone. I just use the app and boom, lubed.” 

“Tony, please no.” 

Howling with laughter, Clint rolled off the couch. 

“You watch. This is going to be a huge seller. We’re going to revolutionize the adult toy market,” Tony insisted, scooping the glowy, blue blob into his hands and trotting into his lab with it. 

“Oh, fuck, he’s serious,” Clint gasped out, rolling onto the floor, getting lube everywhere. 

“Fuck,” Steve agreed. 

“Swear jar.” 

“Oh, shut up.” 

[3 days later]

“Alien lube.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Alien lube.” 

“Will you stop saying that?” Tony demanded, exasperated. Nat looked up, actually giggled, then went back to her book. Clint flipped her off, which she returned without looking. 

“You’re not the one who has to fill out an IP-G4605,” Coulson told him, “and inform Director Fury one of his agents is now pregnant.” 

“I’m not pregnant. I just have alien eggs inside me,” Clint corrected from behind his radically expanded stomach. 

Coulson arched an irritated brow. 

Tony, whose belly had also expanded to look like he was four months pregnant, snorted at him. “How long until we get these things out?” 

“We’re working on it. I will thank you not to ever squirt my husband with alien goo ever again.” 

“I still can’t believe you guys are married and I didn’t know it,” Tony muttered. 

“You wouldn’t notice your belly was expanding with alien eggs unless someone pointed it out to you no matter how large you got,” Clint retorted. “Which I now know to be true.” 

Bruce came in, a face mask concealing his mouth and nose. “OK, so I think I can get rid of them without surgery, but it’s going to involve sitting on the toilet for a bit.” He held up a box of Exlax. “Whatever this doesn’t take care of, we’ll have to do ... in a more manual way.” 

“I hate you, Tony. I really, really hate you.”


End file.
